October 6th, 2015


Can't Get Right

I am posting this here because I want to complain and I need to post it somewhere but I am pretty sure nobody even looks here anymore....so I am posting it here so that I don't bother anyone.

I really don't want to bother anyone. That's sort of one of my core things. I always feel like I'm bothering people. Like I am an inconvenience, no matter how much I try to be anything but. I try to help people.....I try to do nice things for people....but it always feels like I am just a nuisance to them.

I just....can't get right.

I hate everything about my life. It's this awful circle of stress and anger and depression. I have come to dread the times that I am happy, because I know that when that happens I am about to fall off a cliff into the deepest depression. I know that's manic depression. I've been to therapists before. I've been on meds before. None of that ever really helped. I have this awful dichotomy inside me where all I want to do is be left alone but when nobody talks to me I get bitter and angry that nobody is talking to me. So I contact people and the whole time I feel like I'm just bothering them.

When I hint at these things, sometimes the people say 'Hey, you're not bothering me. You can talk to me.' but that just makes me feel like I'm being talked to like a child.

And I can't ever stop thinking. It takes me hours to fall asleep every day. I've taken to watching mindless videos on my tablet before bed just to reduce the amount of time between when I start to get too tired to stay awake anymore and when I start thinking before sleep hits. When I'm awake it's this constant rolling around in my head of my problems. Money, health, food, family, work, car, etc....on and on and it never stops.

I wish I was stupid. I'm delusional in many ways but I know I am intelligent. I am good at my job. I am generally well informed about things. I wish I could turn all that off and just...be. I bet I would be happy if I could just be.

As my health fades more and more I think about suicide....but I can't handle pain. Not even a little....so until I find some way for total assurance with no pain, I keep trudging on with my life.